Three key stages of change itself

You can completely change yourself to become the kind of person you want to be a dream. In this process, there are three key steps required.

1. Determine what you want to change or how to become.

Ask yourself: "How would you like to change?".

For example, s would you be more friendly and dynamic, more heartfelt and tender, more clearly to act, be more confident while in the collective?

How would you would you like to change, the ability of your strength of mind can help you imagine the qualities that you want to remove, and the qualities that you would like to develop.

2. Use the process of drawing up a mental script to present themselves in a new role.

This procedure is the foundation for your changes :, because you are creating for themselves alone or in nature about the same as it would make the director.

Then, again and again mentally rehearsing the role, you strengthen the reality of this new image. And you will look at yourself differently, acting in the real world, you will also act differently.

3. implement a new script to life.

Now take a new role and activities that you have created for yourself and test them in practice in real situations.

For example, if you decide you want to be more friendly, and provided that you behave well, with its employees, it does so, imagining your mental image,

as the image of a sympathetic friendly man who makes other positive reaction. The following technique is designed to help you at every stage of the process.

How to get rid of loneliness?

Saturday evening. In the room sits a lonely kid. Suddenly he cried out: "I hate weekends!" But there is no one who could answer him. He picks up a magazine, a picture catches the eye of a group of teenagers on the beach vacationers.

The magazine immediately flies to the side. In his eyes welling with tears. Trying to keep them, he grits his teeth - but all in vain. Unable to control himself, he falls weeping on the bed: "Why do I always remain alone?"

Almost every teenager goes through periods of monstrous loneliness, uncertainty and insecurity. It is also compounded by the fear that you're the one in the whole class, there is, in the whole school, not, in the whole universe, including the lower forms of plant life, you experience similar feelings.

You think you're separated from all the invisible wall that surrounds you impenetrable cloud. And no one understands you. Now you're jealous of the very popular girl with a pretty smile and want to be like her - without problems and worries. But even the most popular teenage doubt themselves.

Maybe that same girl is afraid that people do not love it, but only a pretty attractive face. And among those who make up "pop group" also has its own roster: one is the most popular of the popular, but someone standing among them in last place and must somehow put up with it.

In fact, you're not the only one who has a problem and if you risknesh talk about it with friends, you'll be amazed at how well they understand you, and what a relief it will be for them - to be able to talk to themselves about their problems. On the other hand, they may "close the shutters."

Teenagers so desperate to fit his "system" that they are afraid, as if someone did not consider their views or feelings of unusual. Do not visit if you and sometimes these feelings - feelings of loneliness and isolation from the outside world, a feeling of uselessness and the inner emptiness?

If so, do not be discouraged. Although alone and a little pleasant in any case, this does not die. In other words, loneliness - it's like a signal. Hunger sends a signal that it's time to eat.

The feeling of loneliness has warned that we are not close enough, companionship. Food is needed to maintain vitality. A chat - to maintain composure. Did you watch the coals? If you get a piece of coal from the general pile, he quickly goes out. But if you throw it back, he is heating up again!

And we, the people, being cut off from the outside world for a long time can not "burn" - our life force is gradually fading. After all, we initially laid down the need for communication.

Chronic loneliness.

However, in some cases, the oppressive feeling of loneliness does not want to retreat, and it seems like it will never end. That's what tells the senior Roman: "I was eight years old I go to the local school, but so far no one has made friends! Nobody knows how I feel, but no one before and do not care. Sometimes I think that I can not stand it anymore! "

Many young people, like Roman, faced with the so-called chronic loneliness. How can you recover from pneumonia, so you can get rid of chronic loneliness. First you need to find out why it occurs. 16-year-old Tanya highlights one of the most common causes of chronic loneliness:

"I think I am very lonely, because ... well, in general, can not be with someone to be friends, if you are dissatisfied with himself. I myself do not particularly like me." Reason alone Thani lies in itself. Lack of self-esteem prevents it from being more open and find yourself friends. One researcher says: "Those who are chronically lonely tend to think of himself:" I'm not attractive "," With me interested, "" I'm no use to anyone. "

Did you manage to get rid of feelings of loneliness, developing self-esteem. And when you learn to yourself for something to love, and then the surrounding notice your attractive qualities. But remember that the flower appears in all its glory, only when he dissolved, and your dignity really appreciate only when you open your them.

You do not need to engage in self-abasement and revel in self-pity. Shake, loan business, find yourself an interesting exercise, write poems, learn to play guitar, well, think of something. Your loneliness is due, firstly, with the typical problems of adolescence, and secondly, with the features of your character.

If there is no other, blame yourself. No approach to the proposal of friendship, if you look sad and depressed. Such people are not attracted to the other, and push away from itself.

Alone, but not lonely.

* "I never met a more sociable companion than loneliness."

Is not it true noticed? "Yes, - meets 20-year-old Boris. - I like to spend time in nature. Sometimes I go to the lake, sail from the coast in their small boat and long sitting there alone. This situation has to ensure that quietly reflect on themselves and their life. For me it's very important. "

Agrees 21-year-old Simon. "I live in a large apartment building, - he says - and if I need to be alone sometimes climb onto the roof. There I was about something thinking. It gives me strength." Yes, moments of solitude, if they correctly use can bring great satisfaction.

What to do if you feel bad?

First, you must realize that you are not alone. Carefully observe people around you, and you will find carefully concealed a sense of dissatisfaction. When tomorrow you go to school, calmly watched the students, who met on the way to school. I assure you that many of them have the same problems that afflict thee.

Love addiction?

In the primary analyst interviewed person usually complains about the other: on straying from the child's hand on the insensitive or unfaithful husband on bespredelschik chief, etc. Like, what to do with them, so that they have changed.

Later, it turns out that in reality the person suffers from the inability to create an intimate, warm, reliable, and based on mutual love relationship.

"Love addiction" - a combination of these words reminiscent of similar combinations, "addiction", "gambling addiction", that is certainly painful, destructive and not promising anything good condition.

In psychology there is a concept - dependent behavior. This concept, along with various types of addictions, and includes sexual and love relationship. But whether there is love or sexual attraction independent of the object of love?

Strange question, then this state of loneliness that very mythological Narcissus employment and a narcissism, or the independence of the hermaphrodite, having both male and female genitals simultaneously.

That is completely independent - it is the lack of communication with others, is the lack of love, but in the long run and life. How, then, can we resolve the contradiction between secession and unity, trying to find happiness and love?

Woman 27 years old came to see me in order to understand how to return to her husband, who left her for another woman. It is painfully experiencing the gap: "I think that after his retirement life has stopped and lost its meaning, I can not live, I can not breathe, as if I became indifferent even to his little son, and I feel guilty in front of him.

At work, I somehow still internally can gather, but scared to go home. It all reminds him. I do not even feel no anger toward him, only pain and despair. At first I did not believe that he really left me. It seemed to me that I need to somehow patience and understanding to behave, not to make his scenes, he will understand what I am good and will come back, but it took almost a year. Sometimes I had a scary thought, I can not live without it. "

I know how incredibly difficult and painful of my patient as she wants to get advice that would help her return to her husband, that all was again as before. However, in her story, I see signs that the love she feels for her husband, not love is more like an adult woman to a man, but rather a love-child's attachment to the parent.

This little baby can not survive without a mother, it is often the child the feeling that he had something bad or guilty, that he should do something, such as to correct my mother to love, if it is cold to him. Further work with the patient confirms my assumption, and gradually everything that happened between her and her husband and she is clear.

As often happens when people are not ready for a mature relationship of love, affection and dependence are very strong in these respects as if one dissolves into another, losing their sense of separate, he feels helpless without him. At one of the sessions, the patient said:

"It's strange, but now I realized that over the years, when we were together, I changed a lot. I was very independent woman before marriage, I had a lot of friends, girlfriends, we talked, there was much interest, all pleasant entertainment. But the time when I felt was very short.

When my husband and I got married, he took immediately all the care themselves, to me it was very nice, and I fully began to live only his life, gave up her job, gradually ceased to communicate with her friends, because I felt it, they bend and the most expensive I was peace in the house. And this world is completely focused on it, even the son was in the background, I just thought that he was not irritated father.

And what anguish I felt when he was detained at work, or leaving on a business trip ... It is each time was "little death." Now I understand what I am sensitive, I want to be free again. But I feel that I should call him and say that he loves me and wants to come back, I know that once again will be ready to do anything he was there. "

Many familiar like the feeling when already know that you're depending on the relationship with the other person so much that you lose yourself, but feel that it is not able to resist, any power within themselves to change their behavior and their lives. This was even the apostle Paul said in the Gospel message:

"I Do not do what you want, but what I hate, that I do. If I do that, I would not, no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. " Romans 7, 15-20. (The word "sin" in Greek means "false action").

This self-understanding is already the first step to get rid of the addiction. But the main goal of psychoanalytic treatment - this is the resolution of the internal conflict. To a man found not only understanding their mistakes, but also the ability to live as he really wants to.

To all life does not become a repetition of sinful error. Dependence of women as well as the dependent man is not necessarily a lifetime suffering and unrequited loves someone one, rather the contrary. Such a person may not be time to get involved in a new object, always his passion seems to him the sole and final. (case)

Scripts love relationships. That every time played each different, recognize their own is not easy, and even more so to see the reasons for his dependent behavior of this scenario, the next step is even more difficult - not to repeat the scenario.

If you are not from their own experience, so watching from the side, you will surely notice how people over and over again in my life plays the same loving relationship, as if his life has some kind of rock. (Story).

My other patient was 36 years old came to see me after her doctor desperate to help her and advised to seek help from a therapist. She was constantly sick headaches, disorder of the autonomic nervous system, problems with the pancreas, pain in the joints ....

The list of her complaints is constantly growing, it has passed all possible examinations, procedures and pills have helped a very short time, regularly went to the clinic for the treatment of neurosis, but it did not save. Come to me, it is a long habit of complaining about health and only later began to talk about how she painfully lonely.

Her husband was killed in a car accident ten years ago, and she was not conscious of the fact remained in love addiction from him all these years. She could not, as it was then realized "to let him go." She herself had it not clear, therefore, that the years with him were not happy.

"I am close to him I felt absolute zero. And every year he behaved more indifferent to me, We have a long time did not have a sexual relationship, but I do not like at all, I have always considered myself unattractive, and was grateful that he took me to his wife. I even know his mistresses, but somehow all suffered.