How to cope with irritation

Many of us have "blind eye" to some of his unpleasant or unacceptable features.

In ourselves we "did not recognize" the qualities, that can lower our self-esteem, ruin our "psychological credibility."

And at the same time we are willing, though unconsciously, portable (projecting) the quality of another person.

Then it is possible to despise, criticize, or to avoid contact with this man, while remaining the same.

Remember the person who makes you a feeling of irritation, which you often criticize or despise.

Draw in your mind the image of this man.

When you clearly see his mind's eye, I imagine that you become that person.

Imagine that you say you stand, walk, laugh, work, sit - in short, doing everything as well as he.

Stay in this state. Easy for you to play such a role?

Or maybe you like to be like him?

Whether there is in you something from this man?

If you're worried about boring, test yourself - whether you can not tolerate some of their deficiencies in the other.

What really hurt

What is the offense and how to fight us. Resentment - a mixture of aggression facing the inside and outside. The most agonizing component of any of our offense when, as they say, hooked - this is when you realize that the offender's rights. And the more this component - the stronger and more offense. Roughly speaking, do not hurt us, we offend themselves.

We are offended by the fact that unconsciously agree with some quasi-bad deed (or judgment) in the address. The less offended component of aggression, facing inward, the less it - hurt, and the more - namely aggression, depressed and clear desire to "fight back."

All touchy. Just all its Sensitive point, its "theme." Offend can be striking a person is in a place in which is concentrated the largest number of "nerves", relatively speaking. In the "subject" in which he himself had the maximum number of confusion, uncertainty and questions to himself.

The easiest and most effective way to cope with the offense, if not completely free from resentment, then, at least, to weaken it - to express their feelings. At least - to admit to myself, "Yes, I'm offended," and try to figure out what is so badly hooked? As a maximum - should express the hurt and the offender himself.

Unfortunately, this method is usually difficult to achieve. It would not be quite right to say that some people are easier to recognize his own wrong, and the other is heavier. All hard to admit his own wrong, "tied" to some of these sensitive topics. The painful topic for the person, the harder it was to her to behave appropriately.

And if you realize that you made a certain carelessness, rudeness, or was wrong - is your theme or is a person associated with this theme, then just to be polite and well-mannered, easy to apologize. Because this action is not related to us with some difficult internal step, almost a feat.

As for feats, here, of course, there are heroes. But few of them, as in war. The most important and most painful to admit they were wrong only a few are capable. This requires real courage.

Oddly enough, but many resent the fact that they just got tired of listening to any definite statements, and the other person simply can not understand it.

In any case, you should always think about it, if you're someone offended or hurt you - the problem is not one person, and it is to be understood.

Evil art of manipulation

And is not impatience, not a desire to quickly get rid of the child forces us to delve into the formulas instead? Learn, cram, to explain, to ask again - long and boring, it is easier to do it myself ("Help me"). False shame, and nothing else, tells us to lay out the monthly salary for elegant uselessness ("Not with your wallet").

It is not altruism and idealism (or rather cowardice} compels years messing around with crafty occupying someone else's place ("Alien Wing"). When you realize that you are caught only on your weaknesses, it is easier to understand the moment of manipulation. Seize the manipulator arm , figuratively speaking.

The surest sign that you are about to turn into a "mouse" - a feeling of awkwardness, discomfort.

You sicken do, insists on another black top hat (albeit softly veiled) to lend, asking for him to call "right" (not you and him) a man "friendly view" exchange rate - etc. etc.

Always difficult to refuse: in this in many respects and builds its calculations player cat and mouse. But you do not refuse. Do not say "no."

There is one magic phrase, which neutralizes any harassment - and thin, and rough. Here it is: "I'm afraid you overestimate (can be - exaggerating) my abilities (resources, opportunities)."

Manipulator certainly eagerly rush to prove that it is not, it is absolutely sure of your generosity and attention, and insight, and generosity ... upfield - cat's eyes had flashed a black top hat magician clearly delineated.

Now you can slowly move on to the so-called passive protection, do not react to the harassment at all. Maybe you misunderstood or even nedoslyshali. Turn the conversation to another topic. "Remember," which you will find an urgent call, and overwhelmed with work, and have to run.

Manipulator likely depart from you discouraged. Generally speaking, in terms of psychiatry Controllers - "color-blind": multicolored human relations eludes them as they chose once two colors: gray and black, the "need" - "is not necessary".

Manipulyatorstvo - serious moral injury. You can not with impunity for their own mental health to use others.

And that is why most manipulators - neurotics. "Hunting" on the other requires constant voltage. Fairly clever manipulators realize that all of the critical situation, it is impossible to calculate. And in the next nightmare any of them unfolds before them in all its ugliness.

The saddest thing is that the manipulators, as professional players, and even reached the heights of the famous "evil art of manipulation," losing a little, which somehow never take into account - your own life.

Since its color - friendship, love, admiration, affection - always unselfish.

Source

Communication within the family

Manipulation in communication

pride (the idea of ​​"super I")

As a child, you say, "Why are you afraid to jump from the tower, you're a high achiever? ". Though actually had in mind: "Do not be afraid." Your man says to you: "The twelve-time? Poor thing. But you I have such a clever, clean room, run for a beer now comes to me Petrovich. " Although actually has in mind: "Your perfectionism plus my laziness. We - the perfect couple "

At work, you say: "We know that you - prospective employees. We believe in you, so we offer you a boost, but with preservation of the old wages. " But in fact they mean "on your vanity, we decided to save a little."

Features of this manipulation

Vanity elevated to the main ideas of Western civilization. Faster, higher, stronger, and more with all the stops up to the final. The main thing is not to stop and think.

Although Carl Jung, psychology, philosophy, and all sensible people say that the first half of life - this study, seek work, marriage. Scurry, in a word, but running justified. If the second half of the diseased person is set for the acquisition and the desire to catch up with someone - he was ill.

a sense of pity.

As it happened in his childhood: "You do not feel sorry for me, I'm so tired, but you do not eat anything at all!" As it happens in the family: "I have a headache all day, by the way, the couple fierce call us on the weekend. It's a pity you can not go "

As it happens at work, "Remember I was the hamster. White was. Fluffy. Died. Can I leave early? "As it happens in politics:" Our party purple, of course, will not be able to obtain a parliamentary majority. Behind us are not oligarchs. And airtime we do not give ... "

Features of this manipulation

She's such a little baby, school - "Marivanna, my tooth was ill, can I go home." There is very insidious and subtle manipulators of pity - "victims" who are always complaining about the life and collect dividends - words of encouragement and help.

These "victims" are also vampires. They can endlessly discuss with you their life situation, but has never done anything to change something. Because they are - happy sacrifice.

How to avoid becoming a victim of the manipulator?

  Step one.   The logic: since most manipulative message there is no connection between the first part and the second ("if you drink lattes with friends, I will not make money '), can be explained by the manipulator, in his phrase, no logic. Sometimes it helps.

Step Two.   Awkwardness sometimes manipulative statement sounds quite logical, but has a hidden subtext. Putting arm in an awkward position - fun. "You say you have great respect for me because I want to leave early? Well, say so. "

Step Three.   Rate: keyer not sure of himself, otherwise, why would it be manipulated? His behavior, he is trying to secure power over others, but most of all he cares about their own safety. Let him feel comfortable, say you understand, appreciate and accept him. You see a thrust to turn people into puppets decrease.

Step Four.   Make your choice: arm presses on your feelings and hopes thereby to make do this or that. However, the fact that people make us feel certain feelings - is a myth. Feelings are inside us, and no one but us in a position to their "on" and "off".

You scared? Answer irony. You take on the weak? Answer surprise. You put out? Remember that this is only an invitation that you can take and from which you can not refuse. The manipulator is puzzled.

Step Five.   Understand yourself, every family made to respond to events in a certain way. One family decided to make fun of all, in the other - to be upset about, and without, in the third - to blame for their troubles only himself and sprinkle ashes. Children who have grown up in these families will receive the "leading" emotion inherited.

They will sneer, grieve and suffer guilt, respectively, more than the others. We can assume that when these children grow up they will be more likely to fall manipulators, who will play it on their "master" feeling. On this basis, we can advise everybody to understand what kind of emotions they got from their parents. And then go back to the previous item.

Time manipulator manipulator rarely live in the present.

Most of all, he remembers a past - "I can not recover after my cat five years ago, I jumped from the balcony" - and yet it justify its shortcomings and omissions. Either he is talking about some vague future "do not eat burgers, not to go to college" or "we believe in you and someday it will certainly be reflected in your financially."

But here and now manipulator nothing happens. He was always busy, he is always busy. It would be possible to have a human pity, but we will not do so. Because he is seeking from us is a sense to use it for other purposes.