Love addiction?

In the primary analyst interviewed person usually complains about the other: on straying from the child's hand on the insensitive or unfaithful husband on bespredelschik chief, etc. Like, what to do with them, so that they have changed.

Later, it turns out that in reality the person suffers from the inability to create an intimate, warm, reliable, and based on mutual love relationship.

"Love addiction" - a combination of these words reminiscent of similar combinations, "addiction", "gambling addiction", that is certainly painful, destructive and not promising anything good condition.

In psychology there is a concept - dependent behavior. This concept, along with various types of addictions, and includes sexual and love relationship. But whether there is love or sexual attraction independent of the object of love?

Strange question, then this state of loneliness that very mythological Narcissus employment and a narcissism, or the independence of the hermaphrodite, having both male and female genitals simultaneously.

That is completely independent - it is the lack of communication with others, is the lack of love, but in the long run and life. How, then, can we resolve the contradiction between secession and unity, trying to find happiness and love?

Woman 27 years old came to see me in order to understand how to return to her husband, who left her for another woman. It is painfully experiencing the gap: "I think that after his retirement life has stopped and lost its meaning, I can not live, I can not breathe, as if I became indifferent even to his little son, and I feel guilty in front of him.

At work, I somehow still internally can gather, but scared to go home. It all reminds him. I do not even feel no anger toward him, only pain and despair. At first I did not believe that he really left me. It seemed to me that I need to somehow patience and understanding to behave, not to make his scenes, he will understand what I am good and will come back, but it took almost a year. Sometimes I had a scary thought, I can not live without it. "

I know how incredibly difficult and painful of my patient as she wants to get advice that would help her return to her husband, that all was again as before. However, in her story, I see signs that the love she feels for her husband, not love is more like an adult woman to a man, but rather a love-child's attachment to the parent.

This little baby can not survive without a mother, it is often the child the feeling that he had something bad or guilty, that he should do something, such as to correct my mother to love, if it is cold to him. Further work with the patient confirms my assumption, and gradually everything that happened between her and her husband and she is clear.

As often happens when people are not ready for a mature relationship of love, affection and dependence are very strong in these respects as if one dissolves into another, losing their sense of separate, he feels helpless without him. At one of the sessions, the patient said:

"It's strange, but now I realized that over the years, when we were together, I changed a lot. I was very independent woman before marriage, I had a lot of friends, girlfriends, we talked, there was much interest, all pleasant entertainment. But the time when I felt was very short.

When my husband and I got married, he took immediately all the care themselves, to me it was very nice, and I fully began to live only his life, gave up her job, gradually ceased to communicate with her friends, because I felt it, they bend and the most expensive I was peace in the house. And this world is completely focused on it, even the son was in the background, I just thought that he was not irritated father.

And what anguish I felt when he was detained at work, or leaving on a business trip ... It is each time was "little death." Now I understand what I am sensitive, I want to be free again. But I feel that I should call him and say that he loves me and wants to come back, I know that once again will be ready to do anything he was there. "

Many familiar like the feeling when already know that you're depending on the relationship with the other person so much that you lose yourself, but feel that it is not able to resist, any power within themselves to change their behavior and their lives. This was even the apostle Paul said in the Gospel message:

"I Do not do what you want, but what I hate, that I do. If I do that, I would not, no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. " Romans 7, 15-20. (The word "sin" in Greek means "false action").

This self-understanding is already the first step to get rid of the addiction. But the main goal of psychoanalytic treatment - this is the resolution of the internal conflict. To a man found not only understanding their mistakes, but also the ability to live as he really wants to.

To all life does not become a repetition of sinful error. Dependence of women as well as the dependent man is not necessarily a lifetime suffering and unrequited loves someone one, rather the contrary. Such a person may not be time to get involved in a new object, always his passion seems to him the sole and final. (case)

Scripts love relationships. That every time played each different, recognize their own is not easy, and even more so to see the reasons for his dependent behavior of this scenario, the next step is even more difficult - not to repeat the scenario.

If you are not from their own experience, so watching from the side, you will surely notice how people over and over again in my life plays the same loving relationship, as if his life has some kind of rock. (Story).

My other patient was 36 years old came to see me after her doctor desperate to help her and advised to seek help from a therapist. She was constantly sick headaches, disorder of the autonomic nervous system, problems with the pancreas, pain in the joints ....

The list of her complaints is constantly growing, it has passed all possible examinations, procedures and pills have helped a very short time, regularly went to the clinic for the treatment of neurosis, but it did not save. Come to me, it is a long habit of complaining about health and only later began to talk about how she painfully lonely.

Her husband was killed in a car accident ten years ago, and she was not conscious of the fact remained in love addiction from him all these years. She could not, as it was then realized "to let him go." She herself had it not clear, therefore, that the years with him were not happy.

"I am close to him I felt absolute zero. And every year he behaved more indifferent to me, We have a long time did not have a sexual relationship, but I do not like at all, I have always considered myself unattractive, and was grateful that he took me to his wife. I even know his mistresses, but somehow all suffered.

What is the offense and how to cope with it

You will learn:

What is the offense? What is its mechanism? And why some people are more easily offended, others - less? What is the reason? But, nevertheless, some easier to offend, and others - more difficult. Is not that so?

And how to explain that some people easier to accept his own wrong, and the other - a sharp knife? And how to deal with it?

What is the offense? What is its mechanism?

Resentment - a mixture of aggression facing the inside and outside. The most agonizing component of any offense, when, they say, hooked - this is when you realize that the offender's rights. And the more this component - the stronger and hurt. Roughly speaking, do not hurt us, we offend themselves.

We are offended by the fact that unconsciously agree with some quasi-bad deed (or judgment) in the address. The less offended component of aggression, facing inward, the less it - hurt, and the more - namely aggression, depressed and clear desire to "fight back."

And why some people are more easily offended, others - less? What is the reason?

All touchy. Just all its Sensitive (sensitive) point, its "theme." Offend can be striking a person is in a place in which is concentrated the largest number of "nerves", relatively speaking.

In the "subject" in which he himself had the maximum number of confusion, uncertainty and questions to himself. As they say, the word "bastard" can only hurt the person who is unsure of his mother.

But, nevertheless, some easier to offend, and others - more difficult. Is not that so?

This is true, but only partly. On the one hand, the more a person "oproblemlen", the easier it is to offend, because more likely to get into the sensitive spot: they are simply a lot. On the other hand, those who seems thick-skinned may actually not at all are not.

Just "a" touchy learned a style or mode of behavior (whether it is related to the parent family, a way of life, and later experiences, native - not important), and "less" touchy - learned another. And the big question is, who are less touchy in fact - one who readily express their feelings, or - the one who is afraid of "losing face" does not show them and saves.

In the second case, a just resentment can stay with a person for a long time - because even he himself does not admit that he feels

And how to deal with it?

The most simple and effective way, if not completely free from resentment, then, at least, to weaken it - to express their feelings. At least - to admit to myself, "Yes, I'm offended," and try to figure out what is so badly hooked?

As a maximum - should express the hurt and the offender himself. Unfortunately, this method is usually difficult to achieve. And how to explain that some people easier to accept his own wrong, and the other - a sharp knife? With the recognition of injustice - exactly the same thing.

It would not be quite right to say that some people are easier to recognize his own wrong, and the other is heavier. All hard to admit his own wrong, "tied" to some of these sensitive topics. The painful topic for the person, the harder it was to her to behave appropriately.

And if you realize that you made a certain carelessness, rudeness, or was wrong - is your theme or is a person associated with this theme, then just to be polite and well-mannered, easy to apologize. Because this action is not related to us with some difficult internal step, almost a feat.

As for feats, here, of course, there are heroes. But few of them, as in war. The most important and most painful to admit they were wrong only a few are capable. This requires real courage.

My world (the world of understanding)

Madly I want to, I want at least sometimes, that people understand you without words, just understood and did not ask. Just looked into your eyes and knew. Do not mistake because that "the eyes - a mirror of the soul."

So you want your soul to someone knew !!! I dream about it and find myself thinking, and whether or not I want it? No, well, a little bit of understanding can not hurt anyone, that's for sure. Checked own experiences.

But absolute understanding - this is too much. It's like, if ever there was a day or night, or rain, or snow, or something that everyone likes in this life. This could turn into a nightmare. It is always good - it's not very good! Although there is a way. What?

We need to come up with the remedy, so to speak, "an absolute understanding" were not permanent, but temporary, ie it arises only when we want it. Then it would be very nice and easy to live with. Why is that?

Yes, if only because it can not be a full understanding of the fact that we often do not understand themselves. Yes, I do not understand their desires, thoughts and actions. Admit it, it is. Silly, you say? Not at all.

It is very interesting to observe yourself, your thoughts in the mind, the soul, the heart. They are so changeable, unique, fleeting and dissolving as the morning mist over the river and you need to get them to remember to think and then give them to the world, the universe, everything, all people, and especially the most expensive and loved.