The love story I still love you

Our agency should have been called not "top" and "crazy hands", as all the orders we did in the home and hands. I learned everything from cutting plotter to the installation of the film, the production volume of letters is also part of my ability. But I still could not "bring" a single order. Prodazhnika was from me APB. With me everything is simple - yes, no, and tell stories, as did Veronica, I could not, well, I do not know how to lie, though shoot me! By the end of March, we both decide to go to another agency, the benefit has become familiar enough. We thought it would be easier to make sales based on already proven production. With these encouraging talk we sat with Veronica in her home and mounted another sign, drinking wine is an entertaining action, simultaneously sharing their mental anguish. She knew all about the Vita, but only now told me frankly:
- Marin, you tell him, "Do not." If a man wants a woman, he does everything to be with her.
Her words stung softly somewhere in the chest, I listened keenly to their feelings, they protested about the above .  Hands reached for the phone, "cold" - I wrote Vita .  And the battery is dead .  When I got home, of course, the first thing put in charge .  This time, Victor responded to my message means nothing: "Marin, do not write, do not call, I do not ..." .  Tears welled up in his eyes it was, but I did not let myself cry .  I achieved what I wanted, that's it for the proof of the body that all the time made me to hope and wait for something .  Now the wait was already certain, the man I loved, did not exist .  What now think? Who are dreaming? This opened up the emptiness inside me, and I do not know what to fill it .  Birdie with me was two weeks, the other half of the month with Lesha .  When she was with me, there were some concerns and worries, but when she left, I tried in vain to find in this life anything that I please .  There was a faint hope that the new work and communication with other people will not let me break .  And I honestly tried to let go of your thoughts Vitya, heart and every cell of my body, which I still remember it .  But this time I could not even imagine what will happen to me another man .
In mid-April, we came with Veronica to a new advertising agency to have a new .  And ... we parted ways: Nick for some reason including "director" that used to be normal, but in these circumstances is unacceptable .  I began to shudder from her thoughts calls "what did I do wrong? "And I decided that it was better just to chat and have no intersections at work .  Very near to the garden, which went Birdie, I got a manager "of the great" "Goodwin" .  My skills came in handy there, for a short time, I remembered a graphics program CorelDraw and she typeset layouts from business cards to outdoor advertising, plus the installation of the film and cutting guillotine .  And I did not have anyone to ring up, the company has worked for more than seven years and had its permanent clientele .  The only thing I did not like - wages .  Seven thousand two weeks of hard work, including weekends, I was somewhat confused .  But I worked there until the beginning of June until Veronica has not offered another newfangled Agency, which had a beautiful office, designed in white colors (even the mice were white), including its own production of the most diverse print .  Head promised a high salary plus a percentage .
In the middle of the first working week fell stupid, useless output. Karinka phoned and invited guests. I did not want to go anywhere, I was comfortable at home, no one to see or hear. For two months I have been hiding here from all over the world: work-home-work. For some reason, she could not say "no." Under the usual buzz of Karina I silently pretended to listen. I do not remember how I found myself at the computer, why I "came in the mail" and wrote to him, "I do not want without you." Before I realized what I was doing, I turned the mouse and sent. What difference where to work and what to do if I do not care! I care about the world in which it was not! For me it was not !! Why do I need this love, for which I was punished because the universe? And how long will this last meal? Not to see, not to hear, not to feel his breath, the warmth of his hands? !!! I'm tired deceive ourselves, convincing herself that everything is fine ... I'm tired ...
A few days later I went on autopilot. To do what is required of me, especially not peretruzhdaya himself inexorably coming to the mathematical rule: from the relocation of the terms - the amount does not change. I do not prodazhnik, and that's not the agencies and working conditions, I am disgusted to impose the people what they do not need. It's not me. Then what am I? And who? For five months of work in advertising, I learned all the production from the inside, has learned to do layouts, independently mounted displays and large letters, and now know where to re order a direct supplier of products where a good seal on the film, and where the cheapest shirk those involved shelkuhoy and who sublimation. But before the Production I had not grown, and the sales manager did not become.
At the lunch break, we decided to walk to Veronica in the store wanted rolls, it is forgivable - the third month of pregnancy, after all. I am trying to figure out if I want to have, to view the entire concentration range of shops. The phone rang. Without looking, I took it out of the bag and to receive incoming calls.
- Ale? - I said.
- Hi, - Vitin voice was like a bolt from the blue. His knees buckled, caught his breath. I could not believe my ears and looked at the display and found his number, no, I'm not crazy, he really is.
- Hi, - stammered, I croaked.
- How are you? - Casually I asked me Victor.
- Well, - said the learned word long months. Then followed by silence - shut up? - Jokingly, I continued, it is necessary to say something!
- You wrote to me on a mail - Victor snapped. I realized that if we now start talking, it will bear only utter nonsense.
- I'm at work, I can not talk, then call back - protorotorila I hung up, that is disconnected .  Again looked at rolls, the appetite was gone at all .  I was shaking like ... I can not even pick up the appropriate word .  Veronica offered to go to a psychiatrist and soothing drink a course, she was in shock from my state .  I vainly tried to calm himself, but fifteen minutes later ended mandrazhka .  His fingers itched to have the desire to write to him .  "I used to write, but you do not have the same", "hi," I read in response .  I was filled with all sorts of emotions that demanded output .  "That's all you can say? "" You, too, can not say anything " .  What we want from each other in this context - is unclear .  Two hours of correspondence nor to no avail .  In my call to the end of the day, he did not reply to sms-ku, too .  Why did you call? Make fun of? Why do you torture me? What did I do to you? Do not you need me? Ignore! Even if I would make to the contrary ... .  Stop giving hope ... I'm tired .
The next day came with a clear conviction that the advertising done. Enough, I'll look for another ventilator in another field of activity, which is not connected with sales. And I have come here only to write a letter Vita, home access to the Internet was not.
"We did not get a dialogue .  Apparently we speak different languages, so I write to you once again, I hope, the last .  I want you to hear me .  When you called me seven comforting, it was suggested to see a specialist . )) As I have not moved out from the coils? Vit, I do not know what's in your head, but I can not go on .  I have no private life, I do not see it without you, I do not have any interest, no appetite, I do not .  You hold me on a long leash, without knowing it .  No, I'm in no blame, it's all my emotions that I can not handle .  I want nothing from you do not, all you need for the existence, I have .  (By the way, thank you, you helped me to accept what I can do everything myself . ) I just want to be with you, and if you do not have this in the plans, it is silent on .  Remove your number and I will try not to write to you .  It hurts just the thought .  But my love for you takes the form of painful, understand, I'm on the verge .  There are only a Nightingale who keeps me in this life, I need some kind of certainty .  And you are silent ... and I do not understand anything . "
I collect things from your desktop and left .  At that time I told myself that, all point, there was nothing, it seemed to his fancy that I do .  But I could not forbid myself to think about him, about us .  I plunged into a world where we are with him, like on the picture, which I "blind in Photoshop" during an exacerbation of his madness .  It was blissful oblivion in which I stargaze .  Clock sitting on a windowsill and stared at one point, that it is necessary to eat, think back to late evening .  After a time of sudden movements I began to feel dizzy and dark eyes, but I did not care .  I did not exist in this world, I came up with a different, where I was happy .  I was so fascinated that almost fell off from the very sill after hours immobilized state, managed to grab hold of the window frame, the window was open, the summer .  But the cowardly little thought at that time still ran along the edge of my consciousness, and that fall out of the window, and an end to torture! Stop .  In this life there are people who need your love, Birdie .
Since I was in a job search, it's not for long pulls me out of my hibernation into which I plunged immediately as soon as the house was provided. Even my mother began to call less often, it irritated my monosyllabic answers, she was calling me home, wondering what I'm sitting there alone? And she managed to get me a week at sea with a birdie. My daughter surprised me with her courage, she liked to jump on the gums, to climb the high hill, in general, I finally saw it myself. And it pleased! The parents tried to persuade me to stay with them until the end of the summer, but it was unacceptable for me, more unbearable, it was hard to pretend that I'm fine. Being myself I could only alone or with Margot. She did not ask too many questions, not strained his talk. To her, I came as soon as possible, as its tacit support for me has been very valuable, but even she could not be, I more than a day.
It was the end of July, once again I come to it .  She asked me to stay with her another day, coming up with different activities for us - tequila, telecom, Internet .  I weakly resisted, one day was enough to get tired of all of this, and the parents had to go, but it's better to stay in Margaux, than spend an extra day with them .  My mother was just talk: Why Birdie is Lesha more than you, why are you so thin, it is necessary to eat more, such men do not throw bones, why are you? And dad too! All taught me to eat, drink, walk, be .  They, of course, want the best for me and in a way worried about me .  But what I wanted to - it to be left alone and given quietly die .  In general, I stayed with Margo for another day .  We watched "The Battle of psychics," Margaret's new passion, I did not care to look, I was a .  I thought about it constantly thinking and even dreaming .  Here it is in white "Jeep" near my house, so we correspond with him on the web .  I look at his picture, a message reading "OK, I agree, but I have a condition" .  What is the condition on which he agrees, I never found out, because of what he saw woke up in shock .  Such dreams were rare and different from most of what was left behind a sense of reality of what was happening complete .  Shifting those images in my head from place to place, because only there I had the opportunity to see him stand, to my great regret, did not show, I did not hear that ringing my phone and looking at the number of the incoming caller itself does not believe - Victor .
Along with the phone, I rushed to the balcony, and for the first time all summer drew attention to the sky, which it turns blue, the world is once again played all sorts of colors. Legs longer keep me and I slid to the floor. Margo slipped my hand the electronic cigarette, and I clung to it like a drowning man at a straw. I will not go into the details of our conversation, it does not matter, we were talking as if nothing had happened, as if there was my snotty letters asking to hear me. But his call has played an important role - he pulled me into reality, because in that time gave hope that the person that I loved in spite of everything, still there ... for me.
Inspired, I began seriously searching for work, and as luck would have all the organizations that suited me in terms of wages, were on the other side of town or convenient schedule .  In fact, why not? I asked Vitya help me with the work he's indigenous people and many of you know, and of course, it was a SMS-ka .  Victor, of course, as always, was laconic: "come to resume my box", then followed a few clarifying questions, which I tried to give exhaustive answers .  And that's all? To keep himself had no power, "mayaknesh me when you learn anything? " "Of course" .  "Thank you" .  "I miss you" ... To me, it sounded almost like "I love you"! I do not think that has gone astray, even though it was very close to it .  Mind you know - it's just a word, but the soul was singing! She was absolutely not care about conventions, the fact that according to generally accepted laws in the circumstances between me and Vitya, in practice the last two years, nothing can be .  But the soul, or that there is a body inside, wanted to believe or just to know that this tale is "happy ending" .
But nothing has changed, except for calls and correspondence about the work there was no movement. Two weeks later, it angered me, I did not ask me to call! It all started with my text messages, I "wrapped" something about "five times Most Lucent Caesar", hoping for a couple of SMS in reply from him. And Victor went on - he called me, of course, beat mandrazhka heart tsat time to change the place of dislocation in my body, what horror! What will happen to me when we did meet with him? !! And we meet at all? I do not believe, although I was afraid of this meeting, with the same force. My privacy was delayed almost a year and a half, I forgot how to behave with a man, not to mention sex. Let us hope that this skill from the category as a time to learn to ride a bike for life.